2fast2luxurious

While looking for yard sales on a quiet Saturday, I came across this vehicle. I was laughing at the combination of 4 Dodge Ram tail lights and the CHMSL above them. We love featuring Recreational Vehicles that have head lights and tail lights from production vehicles. I guess with the Cummins power plant, the four Ram lights are necessary, if it was only two lights we would know it was powered by a “Hammy”. Totally joking here. Anywho, as I waited the 45 seconds it took me to pass the body of this mile-long behemoth I was still chuckling pretty good about the silly back end. When I saw the front though, I realized this was no laughing matter.

Please tell me you recognize these headlights on first glance. When Acura lovers mourned the loss of the four eyed Integra (distinctly different in appearance from it’s JDM, Honda-badged counterpart) their one shining ray of hope was the short-lived RSX that replaced it. In Japan it was still the Integra, but for most Honda guys it was a new car, with a new name and a decidedly new look. These headlights (with their dual half circles subtly echoing the four-eyed look of the previous generation) have somehow found their way to the front of this RV, under a thick brow of fiberglass.

Then I got to thinking. Honda headlights? Cummins engine? Big Hollywood-sized RV? This thing must belong to Vin Diesel! I was so excited to finally meet someone who could easily be considered the modern-day Steve McQueen that I hopped out of my idling vehicle with my children still in the car. Thankfully there was a large truck parked a few hundred feet in front of it and my car was stopped after rear-ending it. One less thing I had to worry about.

As I approached the door, my legs began to shake. What would I say to such a high-caliber actor? A man who did “The Pacifier“??? I knocked loudly so as not to be drowned out by the crying of children involved in a minor car accident nearby.

The man who answered feigned confusion, but was rather defensive and insisted that Vin Diesel was not inside. I knew he was lying so I thanked the man and pretended to leave his property. When he closed the door, I made a beeline for his side gate and was in the backyard in seconds. As I walked around the side of his house, I heard a distinct baritone voice speaking inside one of the bedrooms. I figured that the only way I was to impress The Vin Diesel himself, as well as his selfish host was to make a rather action-packed entrance. I hoisted a nearby city garbage bin (Thank you HOA) above my head and smashed it through the picture window and then followed suit, crashing through the blinds with my leatherman out and serrated blade drawn. Boy, was everyone about to be impressed.

When my eyes adjusted to the light, and the screaming of easily-frightened womenfolk diminished, I found myself in the company of the man at the door, a women his age that I assume was his wife (the screamer) and a very gruff old man bellowing at me in a deep voice, clad in a pastel-colored shirt emblazoned with the city name “Sedona” and a screen-printing of the red rocks. My error was painfully obvious only to myself. The only thing I could do is follow through and hope to make the best of a terrible situation.

With a swift, waist-high kick to the elderly gentleman, I managed to bring the noise in the room to a minimum, and allow myself time to assess the situation. The man that had answered the door was wearing khaki cargo shorts and black socks with sandals, so I was certain he posed no physical threat to me. I ignored him and the female and made my way into the living room, just to make sure that Vin Diesel wasn’t here. Sure enough, I had been mistaken: There were no Hollywood actors in the house. However, my excuse for breaking-in happened to be located in that same living room in which I stood.

A short tug later and I had managed to remove the Playstation 3 console from the entertainment center. I ran out the front door, lowering the probability of not finding my way to my back to my car. When my feet hit the grass, I knew I was home free. My car was still running, pushing against the neighbors tailgate it had bumped. Luckily, the kids decided to take a nap in the confusion. With the crying nonexistent, I was able to make a quiet escape from the neighborhood.

And that’s why I had to grow this ridiculous beard.

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