The Rice Report is a special column where we showcase horrifically modified import cars.


Big Hat, No Cattle: Riced Out Ford Taurus

I have heard that in Texas, the expression “big hat, no cattle” refers to someone who looks important but has suspect credentials. They might talk big but fail to come through or produce results that are in line with their appearance. This person might also be called a show-off, a braggart, or a fraud.

I would say that “big hat, no cattle” definitely applies to this Ford Taurus – especially since Taurus is the Latin word for “bull.” With its body kit and its dual exhaust cutouts, it might be appear to be a pretty fast car. Sadly, I have to call it out for not having any “go” to back up the “show.”

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Hella-tyte wagon

I love wagons so much, so it pains me to see this very attractive Accord wagon with these Jet-Set-Radio looking stickers on the back, rocking some wheels that were probably brand new when the car was. Don’t you wonder what connects our generation’s enthusiast to the utilitarian wagon?

One of my favorite cars I owned was a 1994 Mercury Sable wagon with a 3.8L V6. I got rid of it after it blew a head gasket (don’t act surprised) but man did I love mobbing that thing around town with it’s torque-steer inducing big six (compared to the 3.0L Vulcan) and the back seats folded flat. I would love to have another, it’s just too bad that the front transaxle would probably spew its guts if I did anything to hop up the Essex underneath.

UPDATE 05/23/13:

After posting this article on facebook it’s gotten a lot attention. Mostly negative towards me and my dislike for all things big-wheeled and ground-dragging. To each their own, I suppose. However, the owner Brian Salamunec has a pretty good sense of humor and enjoyed seeing the article. For those interested in this kind of car, I’m providing some links to the above 1996 Accord Wagon, and an even further modified 1997 wagon that was completed approximately a decade ago according to the owner.

1997 Accord EX Wagon link 1

1997 Accord EX Wagon link 2

1996 Accord Wagon Link 1 (the above car)

 

Identity Crisis

While fellow editor Mike Ross and I were (at the time) unsuccessfully shopping for the vehicle that was to be my significant other’s daily driver we came across this vehicle. Now this is for those of you that haven’t lived in, or spent a lot of time in South Phoenix. For those of us who have, prepared to be unsurprised.

I really have to appreciate the fact that this owner settled on making sure it was properly re-badged a Diamante, despite all of it’s other more glaring cosmetic flaws. They apparently didn’t have the wherewithal to get rid of the adhesive from the old badges, especially the plainly noticeable right adhesive telegraphing an old 740IL badge. What I have to chuckle at is the Bimmer badges are on straighter than the Mitsu ones.

The Rice Report – Anamorphic Accord

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Welcome back to the Rice Report: your up-to-the-minute guide to the exciting and confusing phenomenon of the ricer resurgence as of late!

Before I begin, I would like to apologize for the poor quality of the photos. I think my camera must have a special mode that I don’t know about. I was able to see this car perfectly fine in person, but for some reason whenever I tried to take a picture of it, it came out terrible and grainy. I really believe my camera was trying to protect me from ever having to see this car again. Anyways, on to the car.

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The Rice Report – Introduction

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I am pleased to announce the arrival of a new category: The Rice Report!

Surely you remember a time when it was impossible to drive anywhere without being constantly surrounded by ricers. It seemed to really peak right around 2003-ish. At the time I was driving an S10 with a loud exhaust and it seemed like somebody wanted to race me at every light. I remember receiving constant “rice-bys” on the way to school. (Who really feels like driving like that at 7AM, anyway?) I remember going to AMC 30 around that time and just marveling at how basically every spot in the gigantic parking lot was full of cars with unpainted body kits. And then, thankfully, the whole thing started fading away just as suddenly as it had appeared.

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