Hurting Heeding Retinas

This is owned by someone who served for our country, which I respect. Unfortunately I can’t respect the aesthetics of the their method of transportation so feel free to label me a terrorist and an asshole. I feel bad already, believe me.

Let’s just start with the vehicle itself. If the HHR rings a stylistic bell for you, it should. It was designed by the same tasteless prick who made the PT Cruiser. Thanks to him people who share his lack of taste (or maybe it’s sight) can express it -in group outings no less- with ugly gumby-gold accessories that mostly parody styles of years gone by. I guess I should give them a pass because it’s more ironic in the fact that it’s harmlessly unintentional, unlike the fake greaser assholes with the 60-66 trucks who I believe maybe coincidentally trying to be ironic.

Both versions (Chevy and Chrysler) are “wagonized” (and I don’t say that with any enjoyment or endearment) versions of butt-fucked economy cars that they happen to be based off of. Both were created after poorly received “retro sports cars” (Prowler and SSR) that were intended to fill a gap in their niche RWD sports line-up. Both early RWD retro cars were pug-ugly failures with sad excuses for drive-trains compared to their peers, and happened to have very limited practicality. Both the HHR and PT Cruiser had performance variations as well, but were generally overlooked because of the lighter, sportier compact car offerings that they were based off of happened to be appealing to people that purchase cheap, little, go-fast shitboxes: Young men. You can’t ask someone if they even lift, bro when you’re driving a fucking PT Cruiser. Let’s be real.

So we’ve established that it’s design is a four-wheeled, retro abortion. Now lets move on to this particular vehicle in general. I won’t dwell on it, because it basically has all the cliches that follow car owners who happen to have bad taste. Let’s see:

  • Cheap Aftermarket wheels? Check.
  • Two tone paint that follows a body line? Affirmative.
  • Stick-on parts store faux-Buick portholes? You got it.
  • Bad body or paint work? You betcha.

In the grand scheme of things, this is one of the lesser offenders as far as the retro-wagons go. The PT Cruisers are generally so much worse with their flame jobs, chrome grills and continental kits. So many mixed up styles on one little FWD econobox. For now, it seems that “retro” is finally going by the wayside. The new Corvette is a great barometer of this, and the lame-ass body treatment on the 2014 Camaro steals a little of it’s retro flavor as well. You can actually see the Mustang slowly evolve (or devolve?) into a car with a modern, pointed front end again.

I’m still praying that retro wagons follow turbine wheels, monochromatic paint schemes, custom vans and air shocks in to the embarrassing automotive afterlife.