One-Eyed Willie


I remember seeing a movie when I was younger about a group of kids who were all bummed out about having to move because their houses were being torn down to make room for a golf course or something. The kids are really sad because for some reason their parents have all decided it would be much more convenient for them and the kids to move really really far away from each other.

On one of their last days together, the kids find a map in their attic full of priceless artifacts that leads them to where a hidden treasure is supposed to have been buried and booby trapped by a particularly clever 1994 Ford Escort Wagon named “One-Eyed Willie”.

Well, the short version is that the kids set out to find the treasure and in the process, they see a dead body, unravel a weird murder plot by some mobster family that is never fully explained, accept a grossly disfigured full grown man into their group who actually turns out not to be a sexual predator, fight among each other, take wishes back (all of them), remember how to play an organ, almost die, ride a waterside, encounter the lamest enemies of all time (some weird octopus things), defeat them in the most dated and embarrassing way ever (putting headphones on them) and eventually find the treasure.

Much like the kids in the movie, this car has seen its share of adversity and has chosen to soldier on. First off, it probably had to suffer through the first 20 or so years of its life as one of the least interesting wagons ever. And that’s a big deal because it’s pretty hard to make a wagon uninteresting.

If that weren’t enough, someone had to go and smash the passenger side corner of the car and poke it’s eye out. The owner was too cheap to fix the car properly enough of a genius to mount a tractor light where the smashed headlight was.

Then… someone drove it to Metrocenter.

This entry was posted in Curiosities, Tasteless Cars and tagged , , , , , by Mike Ross. Bookmark the permalink.

About Mike Ross

I love anything you can drive. But I love it even more if it has a small block Chevy or Ford motor, a turbo, four wheel drive, is a hatchback, or was made in the 80s. My ideal car would be a combination of all of these things, and I'm working on building a time machine so I can go back to the 80's and convince Chevy and Ford to collaborate on a twin-engine, single turbo 4x4 XR4Ti/Fox Mustang/Third Gen F-body and hide one in a mineshaft for me to recover in brand new condition. Look for a blog post about it just as soon as it happens. Or maybe it already did, and I've already posted about it in the future and the internet just needs to catch up with it. Okay, my head hurts, never mind.