Happy Birthday America!

[printprofilepic]

I may not agree with everything that goes on here all the time, but God dammit, I sure am thankful to live in a place where we have the freedom to do pretty much whatever the hell we want, including airbrushing ostentatiously patriotic tailgate murals onto our gigantic diesel trucks.

And you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way. Happy 4th of July!

Pontiac Bonneville SSE

[printprofilepic]

While it’s a shame that the 80s and early 90’s were the heyday of under powered front wheel drive cars, the limitations imposed on car designers at the time surely forced them to come up with cars that found other ways to be interesting. The eighth-generation Bonneville SSE is a great example of this. The SSE was the top of the line trim level for the Bonneville. It was essentially a handling/appearance/stereo package since the LN3 3800 was the only motor offered in the Bonneville starting in 1988.

The interior had some really interesting features. On one side of the dash was a driver information center screen that showed an overlay of the car and pointed out problems and maintenance information. On the other side of the dash was a similarly sized display that showed a really neat graphical compass, and the center of the steering wheel had controls for the stereo and a/c, which was a pretty advanced feature for the late 80’s.

Although the car wasn’t exactly fast, I’m sure it had enough power to keep up with most other cars from its time period, and with more style than most cars have today. It’s got just the slightest amount of body cladding to where it looks really sporty, but now with hindsight being 20/20 it’s pretty easy to see that it was the starting point for Pontiac’s plastic addiction that eventually spiraled way out of control in the late 90’s.

It may be just an outdated family sedan decorated like an 80’s sports car but I’d still drive one.

Three Car Pileup

I took some pictures of this car a while back and didn’t think much about it, other than the fact that it was really bizarre looking. A couple months went by and I heard an interesting urban legend about a car accident. I think I might have something really special here.

The story goes that back in May 2002, just before graduation, a high school kid in a CRX was racing a kid from a rival high school in a riced out (burgered out?) V6 Mustang down Tatum at lunchtime when both drivers lost control of their vehicles and they ended up hitting each other before rear ending a third car, an Intrepid that was stopped at a red light. Both the CRX and the Mustang were such powerful vehicles that they were able to achieve race car-like speeds on the streets, so when they hit the Intrepid, the force was great enough that it actually was able to fuse the three cars together. The paramedics arrived and pulled all three motorists from the gruesome wreckage, pronouncing them dead at the scene.

The police showed up shortly after the paramedics. They had trouble identifying the owners of two of the vehicles. They were able to run the plates of the CRX to identify the driver, but it had embedded itself so deeply into the other two cars that the whole wreck eerily resembled one mangled, dilapidated vehicle. Even the paint had been blended together, further reducing what had once been three cars down to one singular automotive monstrosity.

As the police sat in their cars doing paperwork and waiting for the tow truck to arrive, something unbelievable happened. The officers reported that the car simply started on its own and began revving its engine at them, as though it was taunting them. They cautiously approached the car with their weapons drawn, assuming that there had been a passenger that had survived and might try to make a run for it. When the officers got close enough to see through the triple-dark window tint, they were startled to discover that nobody was in the car.

Before anyone could even say a word, the car is reported to have shifted itself into gear and took off down the street at an unbelievable rate of speed. The officers tried to pursue it, but the wreck, now believed to be sporting all-wheel-drive and the combined power of a CRX, a V6 Mustang, and a Dodge Intrepid was just too fast for them and it got away.

They say that sometimes, when a soul is unable to complete an important task on Earth, it can become trapped in this realm in a sort of infinite loop, doomed to repeat its final actions for all eternity. It’s been ten years since the accident now, but legend has it that every once in a while you can still see the wreck driving around near Tatum and Bell around lunchtime, revving its engine in a state of perpetual unrest and seeking closure by paradoxically attempting to race itself, neither winning nor losing. Forever.

But mostly losing.

Nightmare In Dreamland (Accord Wagon)

Unfortunately the first image is not some sort of backwards alternate fucked reality, and I’m not just talking about skulls connected directly to other skulls via solid bone. Yes, this other world includes stagecoach Deville’s and Fiat dealerships in America.

I don’t know what this is

[printprofilepic]

Don’t mistake my lack of words for laziness. The two shots of this Civic you see here are the embodiment of the adage, “A picture is worth a thousand words.” See all two-thousand words of paranoid nonsense for yourself by clicking and enlarging the images.