Smoked Turkey Legs (1997 Chevy 1 Ton Dually Tahoe Long Bed Bullshit Thing)

I have been ready to blow like Mount St. Helens since the weekend of January 19th, 2013.

Why, you ask? Because although Barrett-Jackson was a blast and I saw a lot of really cool cars and got to hang out with the guys and make fun of everything and generally just be an asshole, there is a flip side- I’ve seen about all the 60’s muscle cars I can handle for the rest of my life, I hurt my foot, and worst of all, I got duped into buying a twelve dollar turkey leg.

The first time I ever saw someone eating a turkey leg, I promised myself I’d get one someday. I’m sure you’ve seen people at the State Fair bandying Flintstones-sized drumsticks about as they meander aimlessly in the scorching October sun, and I must admit it all looks so glamorous from the outside. The turkey legs are just so ridiculously big that they evoke images of royalty sitting on thrones, rudely barking orders to their disposable minions between bites and maybe even pointing at them with the leg itself like a real asshole. It’s hard not to get wrapped up in the excitement of it all, really. It’s a meal fit for a king, but not in a refined or regal way. On the contrary, it’s a meal fit for a king in the most barbaric and primitive way imaginable. And something about that idea really appeals to me. I think its the fact that it’s so over-the-top yet seemingly also practical because after all is said and done, a huge turkey leg really is a lot of food.

Well, to make a short story long, a vendor was selling “giant turkey legs” at Barrett-Jackson. Trevor, Cameron and I each bought one, and I can’t speak for the other guys, but I wasn’t super impressed. I learned instantly (the hard way) that the leg is too hot to eat right away. I guess the paper they come wrapped in is there for a reason. I realize this isn’t a legitimate reason to be disappointed in the food. In fact, I should be happy it was cooked thoroughly enough as to not give me salmonella- which I am thankful for. Just consider this a friendly warning: you will burn your mouth.

I do have some serious …err… beef with the turkey legs though:

First off, the flavor leaves something to be desired. Sure, it tastes alright, I mean, it’s just turkey meat, how can it be all that good or bad? But the way they tout them as “Smoked Turkey Legs” like they are the next big thing made me think they are going to have some kind of ultra-smoky-delicious-nitrate-laden MSG flavor or something. I don’t know. It just tasted like turkey. But by far the biggest gripe I had was the fact that the fucking thing was completely and (almost inedibley) full of bones!

This is something that I totally wasn’t expecting. I mean, sure I was planning on picking away at the meat that was attached to the main leg bone of course, but I didn’t realize there were going to be a bunch of other little piece of shit bones to contend with. There were probably at least 15 of these spear-like flat bones randomly interspersed throughout the leg that had to be picked out, fried fish-style, making it absolutely impossible to eat the leg without sitting down and using your hands.

I can only draw two conclusions about the people that you see walking around with their turkey legs: Either it’s the first time they have ever had one and they haven’t discovered the bones yet, or they know about the bones and they’re just dickheads, wanting to be seen with their overly romanticized meals. Well, now I know better. But I had to learn the hard way that maybe “giant smoked turkey legs” weren’t everything they were promised to be.

So what the fuck does any of this have to with the Tahoe-turned-Escalade-turned pickup truck pictured above?


This truck was a major attention magnet, and it’s easy to see why. It’s just so big and over-the-top, but not in a brand new sky-high/airbrushed/diesel stacked Super Duty flashy kind of way, in more of a subdued “I’m here to take the kids to practice while I move this couch for a friend” everyman (or woman) kind of way. It’s ridiculous, but seemingly practical. Now where have I heard that before?

That’s right! (Okay, so I didn’t actually hear it, I typed it, and you probably didn’t hear it either since you are most likely reading this and not having it read to you, but you get my point.) This truck is a lot like one of those giant turkey legs.

At first glance, it’s intriguing. The idea of it kind of sounds good, and it certainly looks impressive. But then you sink your teeth into it. And you realize that life is not a cartoon and you are driving a ridiculous thing whose chassis has more give in it than the suspension does, whose big-block drinks gas just about as fast as you can put it in, whose non-sealed and still semi-functioning liftgate leaks rainwater like a fucking colander,  and whose proportions are just so mind-numbingly disproportionate that it really just makes you want to toss it in the trash and just buy a fucking hot dog.