Mr. Toyoda, Tone It Up!

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I guess now that Toyota has a sports car with a Subaru engine and a penchant for whipping around the corners doriftu-style, this post may seem irrelevant to most fan boys. Regardless of that (and the Vader-face GS Lexus) I still must say that this Corolla bearing the “Tone It Up” [link included to explain origin, Ed.] sticker seems to me to be begging it’s manufacturer to heed it’s adhesive-vinyl-based demands.

I like the idea of the FT-86 as a car and I was a little disappointed when it got shuffled in as a Scion with the first-an-overweight-Celica-now-an-aborted-fetus-Dodge-Avenger tC, the I-was-small-and-cool-and-now-I’m-fat-and-a-modern-PT-Cruiser-replacement-for-old-women xB, the nobody-could-ever-love-me-cause-I’m-a-family-sized-Yaris xA/xD and the who-gives-a-fuck iQ.

What’s wrong with giving the “FR-S” a Toyota badge in America too? Would it be hard to bring back the Celica (please don’t just rebadge that fat, ugly tC), and only sell the xD as what it is (a five-door Yaris) while you’re cleaning house? Just phase out the rest here in America. The iQ is a useless car for most American cities and the xB is tired.

Of course, this is all fantasy, so let’s do a break down on what isn’t:

  • The Yaris is a classic pre-bankruptcy-GM “swing and miss” Make it more sporty, gave it the 1.5L standard but it ended up with a lazy 4-speed auto (way better than a CVT in my book though) This car should be comparable to the Fit. It’s not. It’s not even comparable to the Mazda 2/Fiesta (fraternal) Twins.
  • The Corolla was sized-down for the newest generation but Toyota fucked it all up by giving it a gutless CVT (or 5 speed manual). What the hell? How about a 5 or 6 speed auto with some of those jackass paddle shifters the little kiddies love so much. Btw, I hope it gets a facelift before it hits our shores. The grille screams K-car. It does not compete in it’s class – still – as far as I’m concerned.
  • The Camry is beige, but it out beiges every other beige car in it’s beige category. I give it a pass and say leave it alone
  • Stop making the Matrix.
  • The Avalon does what it does well, but it just barely slots in under Lexus (I mean why have the Avalon, the Camry and the ES, really?) and really is just a bigger Camry. I don’t see it’s purpose.
  • The Prius is just like the Camry. It gets the job done and lets you flaunt it subtly.

It goes without saying that the Tacoma has lost it’s way. I could give a damn about the Tundra (especially now that it’s literally pug-ugly) and I think CUVs are horrible abominations. So I’m just going to leave all of that alone.

I don’t believe that the entire Toyota line-up should be boring cars. There’s nothing wrong with a little excitement in the entry-level compacts, because they’re usually miserable for anything other than good gas mileage and driving fast while going slow. If they can’t do the latter, then they’re just a temporary coffin for your automotive soul. If Lexus Buick can start make exciting cars, Toyota can too. I’m not just talking their purely-aesthetics-driven Scion line either. Come on Toyota, you used be the king of fun econoboxes, now you’re just old Buick with sales figures.

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4 thoughts on “Mr. Toyoda, Tone It Up!

      • teggy is gone 🙁 long live the yaris!

        but i’ve still got pics and vids of the teggy… hit me up on fb or email or w/e if you want some media for the site 😛

        would be nice if you guys would feature my yaris *whistles*

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