Author Archives: Mike Ross

About Mike Ross

I love anything you can drive. But I love it even more if it has a small block Chevy or Ford motor, a turbo, four wheel drive, is a hatchback, or was made in the 80s. My ideal car would be a combination of all of these things, and I'm working on building a time machine so I can go back to the 80's and convince Chevy and Ford to collaborate on a twin-engine, single turbo 4x4 XR4Ti/Fox Mustang/Third Gen F-body and hide one in a mineshaft for me to recover in brand new condition. Look for a blog post about it just as soon as it happens. Or maybe it already did, and I've already posted about it in the future and the internet just needs to catch up with it. Okay, my head hurts, never mind.

Chopped Dakota

Posted on by
1

When I first caught a glimpse of this thing from across the parking lot, my gut told me it was a newer Chevy truck. I’m not really sure why though since it doesn’t really look like one at all. Maybe my subconscious mind picked up on some proportion that was similar to a Chevy in there somewhere, but I can’t put my finger on it. It wasn’t until I got closer to it that I realized it was a chopped Dakota with some sort of homemade DeSoto grille. I wasn’t sure what to make of it at first, but after looking at it again, I’ve sort of warmed up to it. There are a couple things I don’t really care for, like the word “taboo” above the grille, and I’ve never been a fan of pinstriping. Plus the whole Dodge thing. On top of that, this truck is partly responsible for the discontinuation of the best mid-sized truck of all time, the far superior Jeep Comanche.

But I do like the stance of this truck and the satin paint actually kind of works for it. Plus, extra points are awarded for being a man and using actual paint and not some lame ass vinyl wrap bullshit. And you’ve got to appreciate the amount of time someone spent chopping that top. I know that’s not an easy thing to pull off. I wish I could have taken a look under the hood though. Dodge’s offerings for the first gen Dakota were all over the place. Under that hood could be anything from a 97 hp 2.2L to a pretty damn impressive (for the time) 230 horse 318, and everything you could possibly imagine in between. All in all, I’d say it’s earned its place in the “car shows” category instead of the tasteless section. I approve.

Fresh Shark Jetta, Bro

Posted on by
1

What words would you use to describe a shark?

To me, a shark is a large, powerful, menacing, smooth, streamlined,  graceful, terrifyingly aggressive creature who’s sole purpose in life is to indiscriminately fuck shit up and strike fear into the heart of any poor bastard who happens to get in his way. And seriously, if I had to pick a car that least demonstrated every single one of those qualities, the 3rd Generation Jetta would probably be it.

 But then again, it’s not like the car is actually trying to be a shark, I suppose. Sharks don’t exactly swim around in the ocean with airbrushed graphics of other sharks and blood and weird designs all over their bodies. That would be really weird. I guess it would be best to think of this car as some sort of rolling, over the top shark tribute. But why on Earth would somebody do something like this?

You know what? Forget it. I really don’t think I even want to know.

Screaming Chicken Tiburon

Posted on by
1

You ever have one of those weird semi-bad dreams where it isn’t really a nightmare but it takes place in some bizarre, Twilight Zone reality and leaves you feeling like shit nonetheless? Like, this one time I dreamt that it was sort of a high-tech future but not really, and it also felt like the past because some things that I was certain were very old looked brand new still, and all the kids in the city were being herded to the Colosseum downtown and force fed some kind of weird neon green cottage cheese type stuff. Everything just felt off. The way everything looked just made me feel totally uncomfortable and the best way I can try to explain it was it was like some kind of twisted, fucked-up alternate universe where I could totally imagine this Tiburon, up on blocks and somehow covered in 35 years of dust, being casually referred to by everyone as a second gen Trans Am and through all my uneasiness, not being unable to identify what was wrong.

Dear Suzuki, Please Just Give It Up Already

Posted on by
1

I don’t get it. Suzuki is something I’ve never really understood. They are known for making some insanely fast bikes. Obviously they know about fast exciting things, or at least are hip to the idea of people getting enjoyment out of a vehicle, right? Well, do they design their motorcycles in Japan and their cars in a fucking turn-of-the-century opium den? Because this car, whatever it is- I simply can’t bring myself to dignify or accept its existence with even the slightest bit of research– is the absolute embodiment of the term “snooze-worthy”. These …things, whatever they are, probably contribute to thousands of accidents caused by drivers falling asleep at the wheel every year. How can these designers live with themselves? I really do wonder. I don’t wonder how they sleep at night though, a quick glance at the take-home car in the garage probably puts them out like a light. Or maybe its the opium.

Also, someone really likes industrial music. Somehow.

Sentra GT-R

Posted on by
Reply

I’m pretty thrown by this. I’ve been researching the history of the Nissan Sentra for about an hour now and I didn’t really expect to find any “GTR” trim levels. Well, there never was one, obviously. I knew that even if there was a GTR, it certainly wouldn’t have been so, well, …garishly appointed, but I thought maybe this body kit was somehow “inspired” by some sort of real model somewhere. There was a Sentra GTS that was released only in the Philippines, but from what I’ve seen of it, the package didn’t include any kind of uncomfortably vague Subaru inspired body kit/ground clearance package. Also, “R” is not the same letter as “S”.

Then there’s the fact that it wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense to name your top of the line supercar after a trim level of one of your most underwhelming cars of all time. It’s bad for your image. The opposite also holds true. I mean, imagine if Chevy were to put out one of the best cars anybody had ever made, and then a couple years later pumped out an S10 with an identical, but numerically higher model designation than the Corv- …um…hypothetical car. People would think they were smoking crack and everyone would stop buying American cars and everything would turn front wheel drive and all the cars will look like soulless plastic lumps of plastic coal on plastic wheels.  Just imagine.

Smoke ‘Em If You Got ‘Em

Posted on by
Reply

Seriously, what’s up with all the stacks everyone has been putting on their trucks lately? I thought they were to keep all the soot and other bullshit that diesels emit from getting all over your trailer or whatever, but it has obviously turned into a sort of redneck genitalia-swinging contest. (Much like the trucks themselves).

If I keep seeing examples of them that are this ridiculous, I think I’m going to put them in their own category. This guy in particular really seems to hate Dodge, but not Chevy I guess. Which I can totally understand, and I’m sure we could have been friends except I’m having a little bit of trouble looking past the, um, …cigarettes?  Can I just say, real quick- WHAT THE FUCK?! I’m honestly not sure whether the cigarettes are supposed to be some sort of statement for smoking, some sort of statement against smoking, or just some wild ass shit some guy thought would “look cool, brotha”.

Stack related side note: I saw an early 90’s, gasoline Toyota pickup near 7th Street and the 101 with one H U G E stack in the middle of the bed and but I didn’t get a picture in time. This is my promise to you. I will track the motherfucker down and bring you some pics.