Dear Suzuki, Please Just Give It Up Already

Posted on May 25, 2012 by Mike Ross

I don’t get it. Suzuki is something I’ve never really understood. They are known for making some insanely fast bikes. Obviously they know about fast exciting things, or at least are hip to the idea of people getting enjoyment out of a vehicle, right? Well, do they design their motorcycles in Japan and their cars in a fucking turn-of-the-century opium den? Because this car, whatever it is- I simply can’t bring myself to dignify or accept its existence with even the slightest bit of research– is the absolute embodiment of the term “snooze-worthy”. These …things, whatever they are, probably contribute to thousands of accidents caused by drivers falling asleep at the wheel every year. How can these designers live with themselves? I really do wonder. I don’t wonder how they sleep at night though, a quick glance at the take-home car in the garage probably puts them out like a light. Or maybe its the opium.

Also, someone really likes industrial music. Somehow.

Don’t have a carb? Don’t need a cowl hood.

Posted on May 24, 2012 by Cameron Tunstall

Saw this guy speeding down Happy Valley Rd from 83rd Ave to 39th Ave. He must think he’s driving a Wrangler, judging by his matching full-size spare hanging off the back end. Barring the fact that it probably improves rear traction immensely with it’s Pluto-like planetoid mass and lifting the trunk lid into something like a spoiler, It looks incredibly stupid.

Though not nearly as stupid as this cowl hood:

I will never understand the aesthetics of a cowl hood. I understand if you have to have one. Like, say, you have a third-generation Corvette and you want it to not be the saddest performing vehicle on the road. If you really intend to make any horsepower naturally aspirated, running a non-low-profile intake manifold may force you to resort to using a cowl-induction hood. That doesn’t mean you need a 6″ super-duper-outlaw-pro-stock hood, though.

This is all I’m saying:

Sentra GT-R

Posted on May 24, 2012 by Mike Ross

I’m pretty thrown by this. I’ve been researching the history of the Nissan Sentra for about an hour now and I didn’t really expect to find any “GTR” trim levels. Well, there never was one, obviously. I knew that even if there was a GTR, it certainly wouldn’t have been so, well, …garishly appointed, but I thought maybe this body kit was somehow “inspired” by some sort of real model somewhere. There was a Sentra GTS that was released only in the Philippines, but from what I’ve seen of it, the package didn’t include any kind of uncomfortably vague Subaru inspired body kit/ground clearance package. Also, “R” is not the same letter as “S”.

Then there’s the fact that it wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense to name your top of the line supercar after a trim level of one of your most underwhelming cars of all time. It’s bad for your image. The opposite also holds true. I mean, imagine if Chevy were to put out one of the best cars anybody had ever made, and then a couple years later pumped out an S10 with an identical, but numerically higher model designation than the Corv- …um…hypothetical car. People would think they were smoking crack and everyone would stop buying American cars and everything would turn front wheel drive and all the cars will look like soulless plastic lumps of plastic coal on plastic wheels. Just imagine.

Is that a Mk. IV or a Mk. V Jetta?

Posted on May 23, 2012 by Cameron Tunstall

Actually it’s a little bit of both. Welcome to the confusing world of the Hispanic auto market. If something is popular, they just keep making it. What you see here is basically a Mk. IV Jetta chassis with an updated drivetrain, and refreshed front and back clips to better assimilate itself with the new (at the time) Volkswagen corporate face. Although this car is from south of the border, they actually sold the car like this in Canada too, as the Jetta City model. In the Mexican market it was known as the Jetta Clasico, which later changed to it just being called the Clasico. This is one of those later models. If you’ll believe it you can still get a Mk.IV Jetta like this brand-new in Mexico.

It isn’t too weird though: In Brazil you can purcahase a Volkswagen Type 2 ( the rear-engine van popular among our peace-loving, hallucinogen-abusing, wimpy “friends” of the Hippie movement.) brand-new with a radiator mounted in the front and and water-cooled engine mounted in the back! It’s conception dates back to 1947 and was first produced in 1950! Those “crazy” Hispanic people don’t like change. Personally, I wouldn’t mind if Chevy still made 88-98 GMT400 trucks with updated drivetrains (they actually sold vehicles based off this platform up until 2000 for those not in the know)

Anyways, the whole reason behind posting this is because not many people in the U.S. get to see what other markets are selling. In Arizona we often see many strangely modified cars from down below, but occasionally you’ll see a car like this or a Ford Lobo (Mexican market F-150) and other things like that.

Smoke ‘Em If You Got ‘Em

Posted on May 23, 2012 by Mike Ross

Seriously, what’s up with all the stacks everyone has been putting on their trucks lately? I thought they were to keep all the soot and other bullshit that diesels emit from getting all over your trailer or whatever, but it has obviously turned into a sort of redneck genitalia-swinging contest. (Much like the trucks themselves).

If I keep seeing examples of them that are this ridiculous, I think I’m going to put them in their own category. This guy in particular really seems to hate Dodge, but not Chevy I guess. Which I can totally understand, and I’m sure we could have been friends except I’m having a little bit of trouble looking past the, um, …cigarettes? Can I just say, real quick- WHAT THE FUCK?! I’m honestly not sure whether the cigarettes are supposed to be some sort of statement for smoking, some sort of statement against smoking, or just some wild ass shit some guy thought would “look cool, brotha”.

Stack related side note: I saw an early 90’s, gasoline Toyota pickup near 7th Street and the 101 with one H U G E stack in the middle of the bed and but I didn’t get a picture in time. This is my promise to you. I will track the motherfucker down and bring you some pics.

Explorer Sport Trac: Adrenaline

Posted on May 22, 2012 by Cameron Tunstall

I’ve never heard of these things before. Honestly, I didn’t even know there was a second generation of the Explorer Sport Trac. Apparently this started out as a stereo package for the Sport Trac and morphed into this “appearance-package” atrocity starting in 2008. Based off what was meant to be an SVT-lead performance truck, that idea was apparently scrapped, but kept the 2005 GT-R concept grille treatment. Something nowadays many other manufacturers can’t seem to avoid stealing as well (I’m looking at you SRT team).

So basically this thing is all show and no go. Being as it’s a quad cab with a pathetic excuse for a bed -and built from the Explorer platform- I shouldn’t be surprised that this is basically what you would call a “lifestyle” vehicle. Which I suppose is a nice way of saying that it’s only meant to look like its sporty and utilitarian, instead of actually being sporty and utilitarian. It’s a mechanical cod piece. I also shouldn’t be surprised that the lady driving this looked like she was off to get the kids from soccer practice, driving in a part of town that is exclusively new, upper-middle class suburbs.

During a year where Ford was making the Five-Hundred, Fusion and Taurus (fleet only) all at the same time, I feel comfortable in saying that this was the most useless, outdated and foolish-looking vehicle in their line-up. I hope it’s rarity ensures that I never have to notice another one and think “Oh, what the fuck?”