Author Archives: Mike Ross

About Mike Ross

I love anything you can drive. But I love it even more if it has a small block Chevy or Ford motor, a turbo, four wheel drive, is a hatchback, or was made in the 80s. My ideal car would be a combination of all of these things, and I'm working on building a time machine so I can go back to the 80's and convince Chevy and Ford to collaborate on a twin-engine, single turbo 4x4 XR4Ti/Fox Mustang/Third Gen F-body and hide one in a mineshaft for me to recover in brand new condition. Look for a blog post about it just as soon as it happens. Or maybe it already did, and I've already posted about it in the future and the internet just needs to catch up with it. Okay, my head hurts, never mind.

Wrong Wheel Drive

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I spotted this at an emissions testing place a while back. While I like seeing mentions of Typhoons and Eclipse GSXs, I can’t help but be disappointed at the idea of a bunch of “car guys” assuming that Corvettes are AWD (I wonder how suprised they are when they pop the hood and find out someone replaced the rotary engine with a small block?) and that Dodge calls its fast cars “TR” models.

I wish I would have had a better camera at the time, but the next time I go back, I’ll try and get a shot of whatever ridiculous inaccuracies they’ve got on the board nowadays. Here’s a close up:

One-Eyed Willie

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I remember seeing a movie when I was younger about a group of kids who were all bummed out about having to move because their houses were being torn down to make room for a golf course or something. The kids are really sad because for some reason their parents have all decided it would be much more convenient for them and the kids to move really really far away from each other.

On one of their last days together, the kids find a map in their attic full of priceless artifacts that leads them to where a hidden treasure is supposed to have been buried and booby trapped by a particularly clever 1994 Ford Escort Wagon named “One-Eyed Willie”.

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For The Price Of A New Camry… (A Rant)

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If you need a safe, reliable vehicle to cart your family around in, you could buy three Marauders for the price of one new Camry.

Typically, when I need to give an example of a totally average, boring car, I will mention a Toyota Camry. It is the automotive industry’s greatest most average display of mediocrity,  bland, but not extremely bland, because even that would actually be a little interesting. Vanilla on wheels. A rolling slice of cheese pizza. I could probably get even cornier with it but I’ll leave it at that for now.

And you know what? If all you are looking for is a reliable, unexceptional ride to work, a Camry is the perfect choice for you. It’s a good car. It’s the best selling car in North America right now, and for good reason. Most people just want a car to get to wherever they are going in relative safety and comfort, and little else.

Then there are the rest of us. Continue reading →

There Goes The Neighborhood

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I can’t even begin to guess how many cans of Wal-Mart Colorplace flat black somebody used on this thing, or how long it took to do. I can’t imagine how hot it gets inside, or how much painting it that way ruined the value of the vehicle.

I can, however; imagine the look of shock and horror on all of my neighbors faces if I pulled the thing up into the rocks on the side of my house and just parked it there.

This RV is like a giant “fuck you” that you can live inside of. I love it.

Waste Trans Sport

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I saw this van at a grocery store a couple days ago. When I was taking pictures of it, an employee came outside and told everything he knew about the lady who drives it. Apparently, she goes to the store every day around noon and hangs out all day near the deli until they close at night. I actually feel kind of bad to post this but at the same time, I’m not happy about having to share the road with someone who drives around with such an unsafe amount of visibility-blocking bullshit in their vehicle, so whatever.

The van is so full of papers and garbage that there is “litteraly”(sorry) only room for one person to fit inside. It’s definitely a fire hazard, there’s no disputing that, but I wonder if driving around totally enshrouded by paper actually would protect you in the event of an accident, like packing peanuts. You don’t just drive this van to your destination, you fucking pack and ship yourself there!

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