Here is a brief excerpt from the abridged version of my latest book, Mike’s Guide to Attracting Attention in Your Car Without Being Even the Least Bit Pretentious. All you hipster kids trying out out-attention whore each other with stickers of cartoon characters and colorful wheels, please take note:

The process is simple, but it is quite time consuming. It takes about 40 years to achieve the full effect, but the outcome is well worth it. You will end up with a car that manages to be both outlandish and genuine at the same time.

Start off with a brand new car that is actually attractive, desirable, and fast, then put a nice exhaust system on it and paint it like your favorite football team. About 20 years later, after you’ve gone completely batshit, incorporate a vague religious reference into the graphics on the side of the car. Then, 10 years after that, replace a couple of the body panels with ones from  different colored cars, throw the rear bumper away because it’s been destroyed from barreling over square curbs for the last 40 years, put some really tasteful wheels on it and go haul some lumber.