Category Archives: Tasteless Cars

Chevrolet Silverado Tailgate Mural

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For most people, a vehicle is something that you depend on to get where you are going. To this driver, it is a blank canvas for his artistic dreams. Let’s take a look at what we have here: on the surface it’s a run-of-the-mill white Chevrolet Silverado truck, at least until you get to the tailgate.

Then, we have this full color airbrushed scenario with a picture of the truck itself descending from the mountains into what appears to be a Spanish-style village. Because this is a full-size truck, it is naturally larger than the mountains and rivers. For some reason, Our Lady of Guadalupe floats in the sky off to the right.

You’ve gotta hand it to this guy for originality in coming up with this ridiculous scene where nothing is to scale, but I can think of about a hundred other things he could have spent the money on that might have actually improved his truck in some way.

Fresh Shark Jetta, Bro

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What words would you use to describe a shark?

To me, a shark is a large, powerful, menacing, smooth, streamlined,  graceful, terrifyingly aggressive creature who’s sole purpose in life is to indiscriminately fuck shit up and strike fear into the heart of any poor bastard who happens to get in his way. And seriously, if I had to pick a car that least demonstrated every single one of those qualities, the 3rd Generation Jetta would probably be it.

 But then again, it’s not like the car is actually trying to be a shark, I suppose. Sharks don’t exactly swim around in the ocean with airbrushed graphics of other sharks and blood and weird designs all over their bodies. That would be really weird. I guess it would be best to think of this car as some sort of rolling, over the top shark tribute. But why on Earth would somebody do something like this?

You know what? Forget it. I really don’t think I even want to know.

Dually Noted (Dodge Ram)

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Pardon the play on words but this dually Dodge has seen better days. The first and most apparent thing you will notice is that this is clearly a work truck and not a show piece, and there is nothing wrong with that. Pride of craftsmanship speaks worlds.

On a positive note, they did paint it a similar shade of grey.. and the tail lights are still red!

Screaming Chicken Tiburon

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You ever have one of those weird semi-bad dreams where it isn’t really a nightmare but it takes place in some bizarre, Twilight Zone reality and leaves you feeling like shit nonetheless? Like, this one time I dreamt that it was sort of a high-tech future but not really, and it also felt like the past because some things that I was certain were very old looked brand new still, and all the kids in the city were being herded to the Colosseum downtown and force fed some kind of weird neon green cottage cheese type stuff. Everything just felt off. The way everything looked just made me feel totally uncomfortable and the best way I can try to explain it was it was like some kind of twisted, fucked-up alternate universe where I could totally imagine this Tiburon, up on blocks and somehow covered in 35 years of dust, being casually referred to by everyone as a second gen Trans Am and through all my uneasiness, not being unable to identify what was wrong.

Dear Suzuki, Please Just Give It Up Already

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I don’t get it. Suzuki is something I’ve never really understood. They are known for making some insanely fast bikes. Obviously they know about fast exciting things, or at least are hip to the idea of people getting enjoyment out of a vehicle, right? Well, do they design their motorcycles in Japan and their cars in a fucking turn-of-the-century opium den? Because this car, whatever it is- I simply can’t bring myself to dignify or accept its existence with even the slightest bit of research– is the absolute embodiment of the term “snooze-worthy”. These …things, whatever they are, probably contribute to thousands of accidents caused by drivers falling asleep at the wheel every year. How can these designers live with themselves? I really do wonder. I don’t wonder how they sleep at night though, a quick glance at the take-home car in the garage probably puts them out like a light. Or maybe its the opium.

Also, someone really likes industrial music. Somehow.

Don’t have a carb? Don’t need a cowl hood.

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Saw this guy speeding down Happy Valley Rd from 83rd Ave to 39th Ave. He must think he’s driving a Wrangler, judging by his matching full-size spare hanging off the back end. Barring the fact that it probably improves rear traction immensely with it’s Pluto-like planetoid mass and lifting the trunk lid into something like a spoiler, It looks incredibly stupid.

Though not nearly as stupid as this cowl hood:

I will never understand the aesthetics of a cowl hood. I understand if you have to have one. Like, say, you have a third-generation Corvette and you want it to not be the saddest performing vehicle on the road. If you really intend to make any horsepower naturally aspirated, running a non-low-profile intake manifold may force you to resort to using a cowl-induction hood. That doesn’t mean you need a 6″ super-duper-outlaw-pro-stock hood, though.

This is all I’m saying: